GODSDELAY

What better place to vent about my problems than here, I guess I wanted to talk about my mental problems a bit and scream into the deep void of nothingness here. Ive been in and out psychiatric care more than ive been to an actually doctor for health check ups, and still ive gotten no progress no full diagnosis, no nothing. I mean ever since 2023 ive stopped caring about that stuff and kinda just let it happen and the funny thing is the older you get the less they care about you, ive gotten no letters nothing from then since i stopped even visiting, ive also been clean of any medication for a long time now, however i wonder if this might be the right choice because i have the feeling i might be going insane at least in the next years, i mean right now im normal well not fully normal but like normal enough to act normal yk. my condition is not fully schizo madness buts its definitely not a nice thing to have mainly because ive started hurting the people around me, for example annoying people with my shitty problems ggs, and being paranoid constantly asking for reassurement that they are not against me because in my fucked up head canon everyone hates me, and also im letting my self rot and im becoming a nuisance for my family by not going to school or doing other activities i should be doing i mean its not because i dont want to, its because i cant, i guess i might talk about what ive been experiencing these past years, i mean first this with school, i cant go to school or many other cramped places because i genuinely believe some people there might be able to read my mind, yes sounds stupid and i know its fiction, but my mind cant stop believing its real so out of whatever fucking reason my brain tells me to think about the worst things ever so that the people looking in my mind leave, AND I MEAN SOME BAD SHIT like splitting up people with axes and shit, before you think im in to that shit IM NOT i dont want to think about it but its just ig a cope that just has to happen and i cant stop it, this fucked me up really badly because i just didnt go to school and i am slowly losing my chances to actually get a proper graduation, but i just cant do it, i have literal panik attacks and get really just in the self harming mood if ykyk. but thats not it, at home where everything returns to normal sometimes i get fucked up too, for example sometimes i cant eat food because i believe someone in my family who hates me poisoned it or in foods that are with meat, that there might be parasites inside it like worms or larva, even tho its just normal food LOL, thats not even the worst, around 2022 i believed people who dont answer me on discord or some shit are DEAD and i started seeing theyre ghosts like in my imagenation right infront of me and i had literal irl conversations with them (ofc when no one was arround i didnt wanna look crazy), but i couldnt do private things anymore because i believed these were real people watching me, i legit stopped pissing for hours and told them to leave when i wanted to, i didnt shower, all of that stuff. thankfully most of my symptoms are gone because they only used to show when i was stressed, ofc now a days i still get a bit paranoid but not as much as i used too, however im kinda alarmed because some of my effects are returning for example legit last night i thought my posters on the wall had sentience and could see me. fucked up right? i was looking at my lain poster and she looked so real to me i got afraid she is actually real, even tho i fully know she isnt. Looking back at this text i see that i sound like a crazy person and i can promise im not, however this is the shit i have to deal with and have to play of as if nothing is happening.

thanks for reading!